SELF-DIFFERENTIATED LEADERSHIP

Crucial Conversations

As a district administrator, I understand how important it is to have crucial conversations. Crucial conversations are what keeps an organization moving forward effectively and efficiently because it keeps everyone on the same page and working toward the same goal. I had a crucial conversation to introduce stakeholders to my innovation plan. Although the conversation was well received, I went into it thinking the worst and ready to be defensive if I had to defend my “why”. After all, I really believe in my innovation and I am passionate about health education and wellness for all. After having that conversation, I discovered that I wasn’t the best communicator which made having a crucial, yet necessary, conversations ten times harder. Because of this, I found different strategies to improve and become a more effective communicator. No one can be an effective leader without improving their communication skills. Learning how to communicate with colleagues has been very helpful to my success in trying to lead my organization. Although the stakes are always high when having conversations with some personalities, no one wants to work in a hostile environment. Crucial Conversations (Patterson, Greeny, Mcmillan, & Switzler, 2002) gives leaders the tools to have these crucial conversations that are beneficial for all.

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One thing that the book taught me is that it is ok to speak up! As I said before, I wasn’t always the best at communicating, so in the past I wouldn’t say much while having a crucial conversation. Having crucial conversations gave me anxiety and I would try my best to avoid them for fear of saying the wrong thing or offending someone else. I know now that having those conversations requires me to use my voice and to contribute my thoughts and ideas to each conversation. During crucial conversations, I have to be present and not just a warm body filling a chair. Also, these conversations require more from me than just a head nod of agreement and a smile. I learned that there are ways to communicate opposing views that don’t have to come off negative or rude.  Another thing that the book taught me was that I won’t have the same views as everyone else and that is ok. Working with a team, I’m not going to be the only person with a great idea and I don’t always have to be right about everything just because it is my innovation plan. 

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Crucial conversations have 3 features, which are high stakes, strong emotions, and different opinions. When a conversation brings these three things together, it may seem like a terrifying conversation to have.  These 3 features are intimidating so communication skills and the 7 steps to handling crucial conversations comes in handy and helps the conversation to happen.

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There are 7 steps to handling crucial conversations

1. Start With the Heart

2. Learn to Look

3. Make It Safe

4. Master My Stories

5. STATE My Path

6. Explore Others Paths

7. Move to Action

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Starting with the heart is an important step when having these conversations.  When dealing with my innovation plan, starting with the heart will always mirror my “why”. My motive for having any crucial conversation surrounding my innovation plan will always be health education and lifestyle changes for all. Starting with the heart means communicating how my innovation plan would help others, bth young and old, live healthier and happier lives. 

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Making others feel safe during a crucial conversation is very important. It is important to me that all members of my team have a voice and feel safe with me to share exactly what is on their hearts to share. By learning to look, I make sure that everyone is heard during a crucial conversation. This is one area of conversation that I feel that I do a really good job at because I always try to listen with an open heart and open ears. I never want the people that I work with to feel like they can’t come to me, no matter what it is that they want to share.

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I think the most important part of having a crucial conversation is the move to action. I think that this is the point of having the conversation all together. In my opinion, you should always end these conversations by having everyone state and understand the next steps. Everyone should walk away with how we can move forward to bring about the best results. This is actually an area where I can improve because sometimes I get so wrapped up in the conversation that I forget this part, making the conversation pointless. If I have learned anything, it is that the conversation should end with clear steps towards a unified goal.

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Being able to have crucial conversations helps everyone to be heard and then understood. Learning to truly listen to others perspective while putting emotions and price to the side helps you to understand where the person is coming from. Sometimes, when you really listen, you will understand that just because someone has a different opinion than you doesn’t mean that they are against you. Other people really have something valuable to say and when you listen and hear them, you are making all members of the team feel valued and included. 

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Becoming A Self-Differentiated Leader

In A Failure of Nerve, Edwin Friedman says that effective leadership is an emotional process of anxiety regulation and refers to this process as self-differentiation. As I become a self-differentiated leader, I will try to stay away from “emotional triangles” and people who want to spread their anxiety. This is why older people always say that you should stay away from the teachers lounge or water cooler because this is where most of the emotional triangles are formed and where a lot of the workplace gossip happens.To become a self-differentiated leader, I need to know what places to stay aways from so I won’t get stuck. In all honesty, the most interesting people in my office are the ones that will have me trapped in an emotional triangle, so I need to remember that I am going to work to be a self-differentiated leader and work. Not to potentially become stuck by ending up in workplace friendships. Implementing crucial conversations is a part of being a self-differentiated leader because through these conversations, you can help others around you to take responsibility for themselves, their work, and their actions. Crucial conversations can also be used to address the spread of anxiety through emotional triangles and help others to be accountable so that this type of conversation can stop. I can also work on my own anxieties and do my best not to spread those things.

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Both crucial conversation and being a differentiated leader  doesn't only happen in the workplace. Through learning about leadership and how to have crucial conversations, I plan on applying both to my everyday life so that I will be a better communicator and leader to all who I come in contact with.

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References

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Patterson, K., Greeny, J., Mcmillan, R., & Switzler, A. (2002). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high. McGraw Hill.

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Friedman, E. (2007). A failure of nerve: Leadership in the age of the quick fix. Seabury Books.

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Camp, J. (Mathew Bardwell). (2010, November 10). Friedman’s theory of differentiated leadership made simple. (Youtube video). Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgdcljNV-Ew&t=7s

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Vital Smarts India, (2012, February 10). Crucial conversations explained in two minutes.(YouTube video).  Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixEI4_2Xivw